Tag: mental health

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I remember

I remember a bully that was a frenemy
When we wasn’t fighting he would talk to me
The things he said had sense of normalcy
Now I know he was molested
Just like me

I remember…
The veins of my roots coming through the dirt
I remember…
The stitches in my soul to repair the hurt
I remember…

I remember the man who has beaten me
Only blood we had was from calamity
But he was part of the stepfamily
Pain wasn’t all he was teaching me

I remember…
The veins of my roots coming through the dirt
I remember…
The stitches in my soul to repair the hurt
I remember…

She had eyes the size of the world it seems
with a heart that was broken like her dreams
caught up in a torrent when she swims the streams
pale blue eyes whose tears can’t redeem

I remember
The veins of my roots coming through the soil
I remember
The rage in the blood that would make it boil
I remember
The agony I had to share so they’d recoil
I remember

Runaway, now the details do not matter
Be the same on another plain in another time
The path of destruction has tributaries
and the agony of survival is sublime

I remember…
The veins of my roots coming through the dirt
I remember…
The stitches in my soul to repair the hurt
I remember…

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A wish

I want my brain to cooperate to maintain this meat suit I have been burdened with. I have decent stretches of being functional, then hit a wall and it is like another, self-destructive, shadow me is trying to drive. Not like hearing voices. Just… the urges and needs grow ragged edges. A fog settles over concentration. A near anhedonic slow-boiling rage bubbles up like a cranial reflux burning my amygdala like a raw, weeping esophagus of my subconscious. Everything I want becomes exhausting, even when it is something I love.

And then I climb out and the lingering bits crust over and fall away, leaving itching reminders of where they were in my psyche.

But the lingering adhesions where the edges are… remind me that the attachment points are still there. That I am still wired to interface with the morass. The primeval shade of unspecified rage and bile wants to burn the edges.

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Ready?

The pain is fading, no pills to just walk.
the struggle is fading, I can just stop and talk
The desire to wander into traffic is a quiet refrain
At peace with the killer, and she lives in my brain

The feeling of impending something quiets
the shadows shrinking but still looming defiant
The void keeps calling, but goes to the machine
convinced alerts are red but the lights are all green

I want to know, before that moment that I go
To see it coming before I face that last breath of cold
Brace for impact or embrace the real fact
but I want to go before the suffering takes hold

Living in agony to distract from the hurt
growing my fears in my mind’s fertile dirt
comfort finds me and rocks me to rest
until the voices rise up and tighten my chest

No pills to calm me, just seeking out arms
the kind to embrace, or the kind to do harm
Mother earth don’t deny me my natural right
to be aware of what’s coming and a chance to fight

I want to know, before that moment that I go
To see it coming before I face that last breath of cold
Brace for impact or embrace the real fact
but I want to go before the suffering takes hold

Money can’t buy happiness, but it buys all the pills
it pays for the faceless and pays all the bills
Filthy paper tuck intimately behind tight strings
the touch then the absence of all that it brings

The lies whispered from inside the skull
keep the sleep meter empty and adrenaline full
The void keeps calling, but goes to the machine
convinced alerts are red but the lights are all green

I want to know, before that moment that I go
To see it coming before I face that last breath of cold
Brace for impact or embrace the real fact
but I want to go before the suffering takes hold

I want to be ready when the suffering takes hold