Last Payment

Nobody knows what this will cost me
Honesty’s too real
The baring of the layers of
Callous armor peels

Away from the scarred and broken
mending lines and pain
A confession long unspoken
of plans too long refrained

To tell the truth to myself
would shatter me away
when I look at what is left inside
there’s nothing left to say

Hatred left a wasteland
rage a scorched path
violence was the answer
but the question’s never asked

born into all the world could teach
before the mind could grow
who is it now, what can become
something I can never know

So I pay myself a visit
Across the ashes and the flame
should I peel away another scar
I’ll never be the same

Unstructured

The water ripples
Sound mapped on the 3D plane
A drop remembers

The wind sighs by me
whispering secrets loved long
Memory in scent

Trees murmur to all
Hushing the children playing
Rustle fallen clothes

The clouds drifting through
They have witnessed it before
mourning comes too soon

The water ripples
sorrow given form
A drop remembers

Visible Noise

On this search for entertaining things to add to what I do, I learned about visual synthesizers. Thanks to my friend Alex Plasko, musician and Photographer extraordinaire, I found hardware and software versions of what I was wanting. After looking at pricing, I decided to start with Cathodemer.

So far it does what I expected and then some. I will be adding it to my live streaming on a camera-facing monitor. Just add to the visual ambiance.

The video below is an example, using the visual synth feeding it from the webcam

I plan to have this running with my live stream, and maybe on a projector with live shows. (Or large TV)

I think it will contribute to the vibe!

The Process

Creating can cause a stress response. Bringing new into the world. eustress and distress feel the same when chemicals are fucked up. Flight or Fight.

Stare at the blank page. Stare at the empty DAW. Stare at the keys. The strings. The silent powered-off amplifier. The empty canvass.

The chemicals just bounce around in a neural stew. No answers. Just agonizing white noise refusing to resolve into a sensory gift.

Defy the static. Turn on the amp. Drag a sound into the DAW. Strum the strings. Press the keys. Make zero sense. Write nonsense words strung together arhythmically.

Motion defies entropy.

Motion defies entropy.

Move.

Dammit I’m Mad

Umm
Dammit I’m Mad
forward and back
pacing back and forth reading it
feels like a personal attack

pace a trench into the floor
it’s a battleground
trench warfare
another whore there
another squeak to end the sound

dammit I’m mad
dammitimmad
palindrome pale in comparison
to the bastards in my garrison

the algorithm shifts
from the shit that is spoken
the system is anti social
the media is broken

drone on about it
about the outrage
fried spam and LSD
why’s everybody always looking for me?

I am hiding in pain sight
it hurts to see the shadows
it burns to see the light
stare until I’m blind
and you can hide tonight

dammit I’m mad
pacing the line again
I got my fucking juice
but I can’t stand gin

Got my vodka
got my scotch
got my kilt on so a ventilated crotch

nothing you can do about it
woke up on the wrong side of reality
angry again

I just wish I could make you see
that I walk the line
I break my spine
I drink my wine
it’s for the heart
as I drain the bottle and fall apart

bottle still intact
not broken like the pump
sitting dead in the cavity
just a rotting little lump

Can I feel something?
can you feel this?
no air guitar
I air hump because I can’t twerk
dammit I’m mad
and I am not the jerk